everyone has been writing such angsty posts. me more so. i havent done anything but whine and complain. i feel like.. WHY THE FUCK ISNT ANYBODY READING MY BLOG?!.. on the other hand, i wanna keep it just around the circle of my friends. i wish i had flamers on my blog. makes it so much more interesting.
i'm so sick of not being able to get wad i want just cuz i'm not beautiful. yes. nadalala is admitting she's not beautiful. i'm sick of not having the knowledge tt every time i go up to a guy and ask for his number i'd be guranteed a correct number. i'm tired of being made fun of just cuz i'm short and fat and rather like humpty dumpty. i'm so so so so so so so tired. i guess alot of my recent entries revolve around my weight and stature. fuck this shit.
i dowanna be obsessive abt it. but i can't. i feel like many of my problems, tho self-induced, can be solved so long as i have long sexay legs and a great figure and pretty decent facial features. i hate it tt i'm not outstanding, even tho i know i have a... unique (?)... personality, just becuz i'm not beautiful. whereas girls with a personality of a potato get fawned on just so! i hate it i hate it i hate it. and i cant let "shallow hal" happen to every guy on earth becuz i'm not entirely sure if my personality is that beautiful either!
i hate going thru periods like this where i doubt myself and everything that i stand for. (well.. maybe not
everything). i love myself i really do. i just wish tt i didnt have to live with being fat and ugly. i dont believe i have ever really believed tt i'm not fat or tt i'm happy being fat. i wish some mental illness somewhere in the context of anaeroxia overwhelms me so i turn skinny. like ramrod bamboo pole skinny. i'd rather be too skinny than too fat.
i hate it when i'm on the brink of depression. i get so angsty and unhappy and discontented with life. and the worst thing is, i know it only takes a little to get me happy. and becuz i know tt, i wonder why the fuck am i not granted tt small bit and then flashes of how "life sucks big-time and i shud end it" enters my mind. flashes of images on how to kill myself always always surfaces even tho i've really tried hard to suppress them. sometimes i wanna just curl up in one corner and start crying. put a forcefield around me so no sound/object/light can pass it. i just want to be surrounded my perpetual darkness and gloom.
and just cuz i'm not beautiful.
i. am. so. shallow. oh god.
i just realised tt i hate it cuz i noe no guy looks at me with interest lacing his eyes. or how their eyes just sorta glaze over me to my very good looking friends. sometimes the question of why i bother dressing properly at all hits me like a bullet train. i'm just gonna get made fun of anyway. snide remarks wld be passed regardless of how well i dress. "when the foundation's shaky. the building aint gonna make it." i wish some complete male stranger who looks like a greek god wld just come up to me and tell me to my face "i think u're pretty." it doesnt even have to be "beautiful/gorgeous/exotic". and its okay if its a lie cuz i wldnt noe if it was anyway. i hate it how i become the brunt of everyone's joke. wad's the joke of the day? nadya! ha. ha.
my god. i just spent half an hr ranting abt why i'm not beautiful and how tt pisses me off. and making it sound like its the end of the world. i really do have the depth of a saucer.
anyway. i feel like sucha dingkus ( plural: dingki? hehz.) after reading izyanti's blog. my vocab sucks. i dont even know why people say i have good english. so i noe alot of words. but its not like i actually use them. i feel like a poseur holding the A1 for english in o lvls. cinders has a really good vocab and she uses nice big words where else i'm stuck wih...five lettered words.
really. FUCK THIS SHIT. my self esteem got a really good bashing from..
..myself. wad am i? stupid?
yes.
damnit.
