its finally over. and after four years of hard work and striving to tt goal.. and its over in one day.
i can still rmb arriving to school. walking into the canteen with desmond and completely zombified yuzhen. the jitters rose from the butterflies in my stomach. thoughts of doing badly assailed my mind. i was worried. but i dealt with it in the most familiar way i possibly know: i became loud and obnoxious. i crapped and i was absent minded. i left my wallet on the table. luckily yeuyeu (bless her soul) took it for me.
my heart pounded and soon i sank into a state of nervous anxiety.. quiet nervous anxiety. this year's ceremony was a LOT more toned down than last year's. possibly from the lack of 11 A1s like last year. and it was very shabby. not everyone who deserved to go up went up becuz the principal doofusly missed them out. scaring the shit out of SO MANY people.
i did... not as good as i wanted. i missed by one whole point. tt point. cost me a zen xtra. a very desired mp3 player promised by dad if i cld get a single digit score. armed with only a measly cca point. i cldn't afford to get more than 10. in the end my results looked like this:
English: 1
Literature in English: 2
Combined Humanties (SS + History): 2
Elementary Mathematics: 1
Additional Mathematics: 3
Chemistry: 2
Biology: 3
MOTHER TONGUE (Chinese): 3
anybody who can do primary school math can tell tt i got a 11. i missed by the mark. no matter how much i counted i couldnt turn it into a ten. i dunno why. i just didnt have the power to. it didnt make sense. i was so close yet so far.
i went DELIRIOUS. i just started sobbing and i cldnt stop. it didnt matter tt improved by a whole ten points (if moderation was not done for prelims). it didnt matter that i scored the best in the household. it didnt matter at all. becuz ultimately. i failed myself. i failed my dream. i failed myself. in the end. that's the biggest sort of failure that you could possibly have. alot of people dont seem to get it. they think that my sobbing is not justifiable. they thought i was weird and all.
now i'm over it.. well. not quite. but i've stopped whining. its a big step. but i still can't quite get over. iz tells me "i lost 1000 from missing the single digit. you only lost an mp3 player." true. but she got 500bucks nonetheless. i was left with nothing. nothing but pieces of my shattered dream. sigh. very melodrama i know. but i cant help it.
now i'm faced with the dilemma of where to go. 11 points. i'm nowhere there and nowhere here. i have until friday 4pm to make my decision. i think this is wad my first 4 choices are gonna be:
SAJC (Science)
CJC (Science)
CJC (Arts)
SAJC (Arts)
i dunno if i can make it to sa or not. but if i do. i'm then faced with the problem of how to get to school. hmm. i'm SEVENTEEN goddamnit. i'm not supposed to make life-altering decisions when i'm a stupid teenager. sigh. gimme the strength.
on a brighter note: am very proud of yeuyeu and zhenzhen who scored ALL distinctions. way to go guys! am also very proud of iz who dropped 12 points! yay you! am also very proud of charmaine who halved her points! go u too! am proud of gennie for getting in UWC Final Ten! you can get into the scholarship proggie i'm sure! am proud of nana who scored 15 (after bonus pt deduction) and scored $200 from faz! go u! am proud of cinders becuz altho she didnt do well she didnt give up! and am grateful to everyone who tried to comfort me when i was sobbing my eyes out. thankiew. all of u. YOU GUYS give me the strength. =)
nadalalaHEARTSyou
