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. and maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me .
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

lose lose lose. tt's all i've been doing in badminton since i've come to cj. competition ended. end of entry.






















okay. tt's not true. i have tons to complain abt. but these are just irrational rantings cuz i'm still riding tt wave of anger and disappointment. ROAR ROAR ROAR.

caution: lotsa "fuck"s ahead.

i hate my temper. i have absolutely no sportsmanship whatsoever on court. i hate the taste of losing. today before i even went on court, cj lost to mj 3-0 already. what can i say? my mood wasnt exactly at its best and after earning 4 points into the first game. my mind lost it when i looked at my teammates. all i saw was DEFEAT and nothing else. i'm so fucking weak-minded. i gave up and all i did was stew and feel my anger build up. sure i tried to curb my anger. but too bad. i'm a spoilt brat who wants to scream her guts out before she gets over the bitter taste of defeat.

worse. i felt so lost playing both games. i dont click with my partner. i have no idea wtf she's doing and i'm pretty sure she doesnt know wtf i'm doing either. and i'm pretty sure i snapped at her today. fuck. i tried so hard to control my temper. all i wanna do is just throw my racket and go i fucking give up. which i kinda did. all i saw was red. and all i did was smash mindlessly. and did nothing else but smash mindlessly. and all the opponent had to do was direct the ball at me. den i'd just hit it into the fucking net.

even fungi knew what was gonna happen. she saw my face and frustration and defeat and she knew tt's it. my result of my game is decided. i dont think i even gave myself a chance. i hate this. temper? it will be my downfall.

now? i'm just gonna mug like a loser. mug and mug and mug. muggersville will be my new home. no la. i'm not really moving to aj la. its just a metaphor. which means i will be just like a aj student. hahahahahahahahaha. fuck. even my typed-laughter feels forced. KNNBCCB!!!!!!

you're still the ones i want for life

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