You know you're going mad when you stay up/spend roughly about 6 hours ro download a SINGLE EPISODE of a Korean drama from your cousin.

Haha. I wanted to state my progress on MSN but I decided against it. Not safe ya noe?

Anyway. I have to stay up till about 3am (about 1am now) so I have like another two hours to go (read: the entry would be as long as and as random as).

I think Yeu is really going to hate this entry because I'm listening to the OSTs of my Korean dramas so a large part of this would be dedicated to them.

On 2nd thought, maybe not.

Studying. That's what I should be doing. Studying. Prelims are like in 3 weeks. A's in 2 months and the state of my studying is like... kaput. It's as erratic as a heartbeat. One moment, it can be really intense and the next about as slack as my 1st 3 months.

And this isn't good cause I simply don't have time for it to be this way! I mean which Jc2-er does? But I feel so suffocated when I intensify my studying to the point that I really just feel on the verge of chronic depression. I've read the symptoms on a notice board in school outside the counselor's office and well... Let's just say that if I carried on that way, I might really sink into it and drown. Maybe recognising the symptoms shows that I'm not suffering from it but I really don't wanna take that chance.

Well. Actually, maybe it IS time I did. I mean who really cares that I feel like bursting into tears and I'm moody and discontent and dissatisfied for the whole period if I achieved what I set out to achieve?

My birthday is up in about a week's time. And while I may buzz about it to certain people (-coughcoughsorryYeuaicoughcough-) alot but this year's birthday feels really... blahhhhh. I don't know how to describe it. I thought my 18th birthday would have been really wild and sinful but I don't even feel excited about it. My excitement unwillingly wavers whenever I do start to feel excited.

Maybe I just can't grow up. If I can't even take this little bit of pressure, how the hell am I ever gonna succeed superbly in my career? Please don't tell me things like "oh i'm sure you'll make it through everything because you're strong-willed."

Sometimes I really wanna scream out and tell everyone "I'm really not that strong." If I was, I wld've had the determination to lose weight and prob would have already lost it and already be all slim and gorgeous. But hey hey! That's not the case. I'm still fat and still ugly. And if I was really strong, I wouldn't be upsetted by the news that people are bitching about me. But I am when I usually don't care.

I don't know if it's the school that I'm in, the class that I'm in, the CCA that I'm in, or the A levels that has turned me into a wuss.

I'm really ambivalent about the prom. On one hand, I really want to have a lovely way to end my year and commerate my graduation. On the other hand, I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't belong. So why even go? Waste of time, money, energy and most of all a waste of a certain amount of hope that it would be a blast.

How could I have been so wrong in my decisions to end up this way? I had a chance to go for the Arts but I went for the Sciences. I had a choice to leave CJ but I stayed. I had a choice between badminton and debate and I chose badminton. And everywhere I look I'm just more or less reminded, at least in a tiny way, of what a sore thumb I am.

Haha. Wasn't this supposed to be about my studies? Mmmm.. My most consistent studying is still bio. Maths is catching up but I forget the eqns and methods of solving when I learn new ones. Darn. Chem.. its been on a downslide since my promos last year. What the hell happened? I don't know. It just did. Ms Eu would be disappointed in me.